Early Childhood - Stranger Safety for Five Year Olds

When your child is a vivacious, warm child that loves people, and I mean all people, she wants to talk and hug everyone she meets. I had such a child. By the age of five, my son had an extensive vocabulary. He learned that he loved conversations with adults, so he would stop to talk to any adult that was within hearing distance.

One mother with a five-year-old girl had the same problem and asked,

"How do you teach a very outgoing five-year-old about stranger danger without scaring her? How can I teach her that's it not okay to talk and hug everyone she meets?"

Many parents have the same question. The safety of their child is paramount, but at the same time, parents don't want to squelch their child's natural personality, especially when the child displays great love and kindness toward others. Another issue is a child's ability to understand what the parent really wants. We are about to introduce some difficult abstract ideas to a five-year-old.

Here's a few facts about childhood development that I think is important for you to know first. 
Children in early childhood, ages three through five, are pre-operational thinkers. They don't have the ability yet for mental logical operations, meaning they really don't understand how things work. This can lead to some faulty reasoning. They are highly literal which means they can't infer your meaning. Their brains are tethered to the concrete world. So remember to make those abstract ideas into concrete examples to help them grasp and understand.

Let's discuss what your child has learned and noticed so far.

Adults give conflicting messages. Parents don't realize that we give children conflicting ideas when dealing with strangers.  Although children are told not to talk to strangers, they witness their parents talking to strangers all the time. We say hello to people we pass in the street while strolling. We have conversations with strangers while waiting in lines at the grocery or clothing store. When someone says how cute our child is, we sometimes turn to our child and ask, "Can you say hello to the nice lady?"

What should give you some comfort is that children this age are practically always at their parent's side. That's why you notice how often your child interacts with other people. Your presence is an anchor, a secure base in which your child can venture out and try out his new found social skills. So you need to prepare your children for the times when you are not with them.

I told my conversation loving five-year-old, that whenever he gets into a conversation, to come and tell me about it. One day we went to the bookstore. While he was sitting on the floor looking through a book, I heard him tell a young couple shopping in the children's section, "I have to go tell my mom about our great conversation. Stay here, I'll be right back."

In our program, Stranger Smart©, we developed a set of clear rules for children to follow when dealing with strangers. We give them the concrete tools to deal with strangers and help them recognize potentially dangerous situations and how to avoid them. Using what we know about early childhood development allows us to present a program that helps children retain this vital information.  Five years old is a good age to begin this type of program.

Here are a few concepts presented in the program.

First, you must define who is a stranger to your child. 
When I told my son he couldn't speak to strangers, he kept assuring me he wouldn't. Then a few months later, he asked, "Mommy, what's a stranger?" It blew me away! I never defined the word. It was an abstract concept. He understood that he wasn't suppose to TALK to someone. So he latched onto the only concrete thing he could understand, not to talk. How was he supposed to know what a stranger was? And even if I could explain it to him, I talked to strangers all the time?  It showed me how much I assumed. I broke my own rule, give children in early childhood, concrete examples.

(Remember, under certain circumstances if you and your children have had limited interactions with neighbors or acquaintances, they can be named a "stranger" too.)

Second, define what is acceptable adult behavior.  Just like children, adults have rules they should have to follow. Children can understand this concrete concept of following the rules.  Knowing that adults have rules too allows children to hold adults accountable. We offer three rules.

Rule #1.  Adults needing help MUST ask other adults.

This is a concrete concept to children.  They understand that an adult asking for "real" help will get the best help from another adult. Adults asking for directions, or looking for a park, or searching for a dog, or looking for a neighbor is not appropriate questions to direct to a child. The children in our program learn to say, "Please ask another adult."  Any five-year-old can understand this rule.

Rule #2. "I have to ask my Mom or Dad first."

If any adult wants your child to do something or take something or go anywhere, your child needs some handy responses, such as "No, thank you." or "I don't need that thank you." But there are times when the temptation becomes too much and your child really wants what is offered. If that happens a fast rule in my household is, my child must say, "I have to ask my Mom or Dad first."

When we role play this scenario in our program, we offer the children money, candy, a free bike out of the van, taking pictures under the bleacher and on and on. With every ploy we use to undermine their safety or promise to their parent, the children get louder and louder with each consecutive response, until they are forcefully saying, "NO, I HAVE to ASK my MOM or DAD FIRST."
They understand this concrete role-play. When a stranger won't listen to your child's repeated refusal, they may be trying to trick him or her. Children understand that Mom and Dad are their primary caregivers and must give permission. If a stranger or adult asks your child to do anything, they MUST have your permission first. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Rule #3.  It's sometimes okay to say "No" to an adult. Give them permission to use their voice.

Children get accustomed to authority figures telling them what to do or how to behave. Certain adults in their lives may require strict discipline and attention, or demand obedience and respect. They expect compliance. Children understand that improper behavior will get them in trouble so they sometimes say or do whatever they think will appease an adult. Give permission to your child to say no to an adult. Teach them to use their voice when they feel uncomfortable, to use their voice assertively, and to get help by telling. The voice is a great tool for dealing with strangers.

Third, point out people that your child can trust if he or she gets lost in a store: the cashier, the security guard, a mom with kids. Sounds like another mixed message, doesn't it? You're asking your child to go to strangers for help when they aren't supposed to talk to them. Explain why you choose these specific type of people. What is it about them that makes you feel safer?

Parents must be coaches, helping to make their children more confident in their own abilities to handle certain situations.  Even at the age of five, we can prepare them by giving them tools and ideas that are effective. We must learn to make abstract words and concepts more concrete for children of this or any age. When my son goes out to play, I usually yell out, "Be Stranger Smart!" and he knows exactly what that means.

Ambrose Academy - Stranger Smart© 2003.

Group Safety Tip

(Updated, from a post I wrote to a parent's question on Metro Parent on-line magazine parents tips page in 2009,)