Eight Safety Skills Every Teen Girl Needs to Know

by Elizabeth Ambrose

From infancy to young adulthood, every stage of development offers new challenges in safety. As children begin to experience and interact more and more with their environment, parents maintain an ever-growing safety checklist and quickly learn and implement new safety strategies to keep their child safe. These initial safety concerns are mainly issues within the home, easily managed, and lessons are repeated so many times that children know what they can and cannot do.  

Then comes the day, when your middle-school child’s safety starts to go beyond your direct control. As she asks for more autonomy, such as crossing the street alone or walking to school or to a friend’s house a block away, riding bikes to the park, or walking to the corner store, your new safety concerns grow and at times, feel a little terrifying. Your child will now encounter, experience and interact with people you may not know. Parents add more safety dos and don’ts to the checklist: stranger danger, bullies, car and street safety, money safety and no-go zones.

Then high school comes along. The safety risks for teens increase dramatically, and parental anxiety skyrockets. They know that unsafe behavior at this age can have life changing physical and mental ramifications, such as greater injuries, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, teen suicide, sexual assault, and teen pregnancy.

Through thoughtful, non-judgmental conversations with our children about life and important teen issues, this ever-growing safety checklist is still manageable with parental foresight and persistence. Most of the new items on this safety list deal with your child’s ability to think for herself, and to make the right decisions about her personal safety when you are not around. Once you trust her judgment and ability to be safety aware, a parent can feel more at ease. Safety at this point in the lives of teens means recognizing potentially dangerous situations and staying away from them.

The first seven skills written in this article is all about prevention, awareness, and develops a young person’s Defensive Mental Skills. However, there is still a real safety, health and wellness issue not fully addressed and even left out of many parental safety conversations. Not until a parent realizes for the first time, that their daughter will be miles away from the safety of their homes do they seek the eighth skill in our Eight Safety Skills Every Teen Girl Needs to Know, that of Self-Defense.

What happens when she can’t avoid the dangerous situation or encounters aggression and violence? What safety tools or techniques does she have to help her survive? 

Is she mentally prepared, to be able to think instead of freeze? 

What efficient and effective tools does she possess to fend off an attack? 

There is a huge hole in our safety management plan, and that is Defensive Physical Skills. This final skill is the missing piece of the puzzle that makes certain safety plans complete.

1. Take two big steps back - Physical and Mental Defense

In our stranger awareness program, whenever a stranger approaches, or takes a step towards children, they must take two BIG steps back to create distance. This way, they interact with an adult from a safe distance. When a stranger approaches a young girl, not only should she physically take two big steps back, she should mentally take two steps back too. She should be thinking about the possible motivations for a stranger to approach her and not another person, specifically another adult. Creating this distance gives her time to think about what is really happening instead of reacting to it.

2. Stop, Look, and Listen 2.0 - Situational Awareness

Elementary school children have sung this song, “Stop, Look and Listen”, repeatedly until they have retained this important rule of street and car safety. This practice of stop, look and listen is still a valuable safety tool when you expand it to a fuller meaning in teen safety - Learning Situational Awareness.

                    Stop - Quickly evaluate your surroundings.
                    Look - Be aware of the people and happenings around you.
                    Listen - for any unusual changes in noise or energy levels.

Take action to ensure safety. This song asks our children to become aware but safety awareness needs plenty of practice through role-play for children to develop and retain it.

A parent can start awareness training early in life. Books are a wonderful way to start awareness training. Picture storybooks offer parents an opportunity to point to other characters and objects in the background, to linger over a page and investigate what lies in all the corners. A parent can talk about the colors or point out designs within the illustration, or ask the child to describe what else he or she sees. Soon children will do that for themselves. They will try to take in the whole picture instead of focusing only on the main singular figure or the biggest object on the page.

Nature is another wonderful way to develop awareness because it touches all five of the senses.

Stop - to notice nature. Check out the billowy clouds, feel the sun, wind or rain on their faces;  taste a snowflake, pick up a twig or blade of grace, smell a flower or the scent of the woods and streams.

Look - Ask your child to look up to notice birds or planes flying, the moon and the stars, to notice movement in the leaves of trees or the beauty of flowers.

Listen - to hear the bird chirps, rustling of leaves, or water running in a steam. Stay quiet and see how many sounds they hear at once. Teach them to be receptive to nature. (Studies have shown that being in nature benefits the body and the brain in many ways.)

Safety awareness allows a girl to look at the big picture, the motivations behind other’s actions, to recognize potentially dangerous situations, unusual actions or recognize ploys that others use to undermine her confidence and safety. It allows her to “see” her environment in totality and then, discern how best to use it to her advantage.

3. Exit Strategy - Know where all the exits are.

Physically - Whether at the mall, sitting in a restaurant, or at the movies, quickly scan the area and identify where the exits are in order to make a quick get-away, or where to find the best cover in case of trouble. I try to sit facing the main entrance. I always want to be aware of who is coming through that door and be the first to react.

Mentally – Have contingency plans in place, just in case a date isn’t going well, friends inadvertently leave her behind, or a party is getting out of control. A safety code word can be used between parent and child during a phone call. It allows her to "tell" her parent that she is uncomfortable in a situation and that she wants to be picked up. Know what your exit strategy will be in any given situation.

4. Use her voice - Make Your Boundaries Known

Her voice is another powerful safety tool. It can convey her strength and conviction. It’s how she can directly communicate, clarify and demand respect for her boundaries. She must gain the confidence to stand up for herself. Without it, it may be hard to do. The ability to communicate her needs, desires, and boundaries, while understanding and honoring the needs, desires and boundaries of others defines the idea of consent. Consent is Asking First before doing something that could affect someone else’s experience. Ask first and then respect the answer you get. When someone disregards or chooses to ignore her established boundaries, or her repeated, “No, thank you(s),” it serves as a warning sign to a potentially dangerous personality or situation.

5. Learn some “childhood” psychology. - Motivation behind Actions

It’s important to understand the conscious and unconscious reasons as to why people do the things that they do. If she can learn to understand what motivates people, she recognizes cues and “tricks” that people use to undermine her confidence and safety.  

• In childhood, a friend determines all the games and never allows your child to “name the game” (Selfishness and Controlling).
• In middle school, your child’s friends tease her for looking different or not wearing the latest fashions (Undermine self-esteem, pressure to conform).
• In high school, a friend keeps asking your child to sneak out of the house, or lie about where she is going. (Coercion, Manipulation, Negative Peer Pressure)
• A new boyfriend keeps undermining her self-esteem, is demanding, and gets angry easily making her feel that she must always pacify  or acquiesce to him and his moods. (Controlling, Abusive, Isolating)

Understanding the concepts of coercion and manipulation will allow her to recognize and disengage from people that drain her mental and physical resources. Understanding the warning signs of psychopathic and potentially dangerous behavior is a good first step in personal safety and self-defense.

6.  Decide and articulate what is her “Personal Code”.

A personal code is a contract she makes with herself, one that lays out the principles and rules she has decided to govern for herself. She determines, “What does she stand for as a woman or as a person? What are the things she will support or behaviors she refuses to tolerate in ANY relationship? When she encounters unacceptable behavior, is she strong enough to speak up or does she just let it pass?” 

What codes of conduct, in her opinion, will bring her positivity and supports her personal growth? Is integrity important to her, how about trust and loyalty in friendship? Is humor and creativity important to her? Is she dedicated to her personal growth and learning?  Does she want to inhabit a nurturing and welcoming environment? Once she defines what she wants for herself, she must exemplify the behaviors that are important to her, in order to receive them from others.

She will recognize what situations or people that uplift her most and those that bring her pain and frustration, and begin to move away from the things or people that drain her mental and emotional energy and keep her from her goals.

7.  Recognize that life is definitely not fair. - Having Grit

Moreover, sometimes life can be downright dangerous. A young person needs grit, the ability to get up from a fall or failure and seeing those setbacks as lessons that motivate her to start again, repeatedly if that is what it takes. You never know what might come along to test her resolve. She will encounter obstacles she will need to overcome, from gender bias and discrimination, sexual harassment, and lower economic equity. She must understand that she may encounter people that intimidate, are dismissive, are naturally rude, or make her feel uneasy. People of authority may use their power inappropriately. She cannot be afraid to use her voice, to be assertive and understand that others may try to “label” or minimize her, a tactic to undermine her confidence and self-esteem.

By not internalizing the negative feelings, she will learn to navigate these rough waters with courage and conviction. Realizing that the negative emotions from others, sometimes has nothing to do with her as an individual, such as a person having a very bad day and then takes it out on the first person they see. She may be reflecting talent and skills, emotional maturity, or an ease with people, making others feel envious or threatened. Learning the motivations behind the behaviors she will encounter will help in keeping her alert and safe.

8. Self Defense Skills – Final Puzzle Piece

If I could make every, middle to high school girl a butt kicker, I would. (If you are interested, go here for information on our next session – a summer day camp.) Instead, I get young women when they are about to go off to college in just a few weeks. Never enough time to instill the techniques that could help save their lives. Yes, the seven pre-emptive safety skills in this article will serve them well in recognizing and avoiding dangerous situations most of the time. Being aware and vigilant will keep many young girls and women safe and out of trouble. However, when trouble seeks them out, what effective and efficient physical skills do they possess to fight off an assailant intent on harm. Self Defense is really Crime Prevention system.

Pre-teens and teens are the perfect age to learn basic self-defense skills. They learn quickly, enjoy the spirit and camaraderie of other girls, and will benefit from new confidence and self-esteem. Without building these traits of confidence in herself and within the techniques she must employ, implementing physical self-defense skills will be hard or non-existent. That is why a program of personal safety must be comprehensive to truly be effective and that means both Mental and Physical Self-Defense training.

With the continuous stream of face book posts about missing girls and children, human trafficking, and the yearly stranger danger incidents, they spur my commitment to developing safety-centric programs for the most vulnerable in our society.  Learn more here.

Early Childhood - Stranger Safety for Five Year Olds

When your child is a vivacious, warm child that loves people, and I mean all people, she wants to talk and hug everyone she meets. I had such a child. By the age of five, my son had an extensive vocabulary. He learned that he loved conversations with adults, so he would stop to talk to any adult that was within hearing distance.

One mother with a five-year-old girl had the same problem and asked,

"How do you teach a very outgoing five-year-old about stranger danger without scaring her? How can I teach her that's it not okay to talk and hug everyone she meets?"

Many parents have the same question. The safety of their child is paramount, but at the same time, parents don't want to squelch their child's natural personality, especially when the child displays great love and kindness toward others. Another issue is a child's ability to understand what the parent really wants. We are about to introduce some difficult abstract ideas to a five-year-old.

Here's a few facts about childhood development that I think is important for you to know first. 
Children in early childhood, ages three through five, are pre-operational thinkers. They don't have the ability yet for mental logical operations, meaning they really don't understand how things work. This can lead to some faulty reasoning. They are highly literal which means they can't infer your meaning. Their brains are tethered to the concrete world. So remember to make those abstract ideas into concrete examples to help them grasp and understand.

Let's discuss what your child has learned and noticed so far.

Adults give conflicting messages. Parents don't realize that we give children conflicting ideas when dealing with strangers.  Although children are told not to talk to strangers, they witness their parents talking to strangers all the time. We say hello to people we pass in the street while strolling. We have conversations with strangers while waiting in lines at the grocery or clothing store. When someone says how cute our child is, we sometimes turn to our child and ask, "Can you say hello to the nice lady?"

What should give you some comfort is that children this age are practically always at their parent's side. That's why you notice how often your child interacts with other people. Your presence is an anchor, a secure base in which your child can venture out and try out his new found social skills. So you need to prepare your children for the times when you are not with them.

I told my conversation loving five-year-old, that whenever he gets into a conversation, to come and tell me about it. One day we went to the bookstore. While he was sitting on the floor looking through a book, I heard him tell a young couple shopping in the children's section, "I have to go tell my mom about our great conversation. Stay here, I'll be right back."

In our program, Stranger Smart©, we developed a set of clear rules for children to follow when dealing with strangers. We give them the concrete tools to deal with strangers and help them recognize potentially dangerous situations and how to avoid them. Using what we know about early childhood development allows us to present a program that helps children retain this vital information.  Five years old is a good age to begin this type of program.

Here are a few concepts presented in the program.

First, you must define who is a stranger to your child. 
When I told my son he couldn't speak to strangers, he kept assuring me he wouldn't. Then a few months later, he asked, "Mommy, what's a stranger?" It blew me away! I never defined the word. It was an abstract concept. He understood that he wasn't suppose to TALK to someone. So he latched onto the only concrete thing he could understand, not to talk. How was he supposed to know what a stranger was? And even if I could explain it to him, I talked to strangers all the time?  It showed me how much I assumed. I broke my own rule, give children in early childhood, concrete examples.

(Remember, under certain circumstances if you and your children have had limited interactions with neighbors or acquaintances, they can be named a "stranger" too.)

Second, define what is acceptable adult behavior.  Just like children, adults have rules they should have to follow. Children can understand this concrete concept of following the rules.  Knowing that adults have rules too allows children to hold adults accountable. We offer three rules.

Rule #1.  Adults needing help MUST ask other adults.

This is a concrete concept to children.  They understand that an adult asking for "real" help will get the best help from another adult. Adults asking for directions, or looking for a park, or searching for a dog, or looking for a neighbor is not appropriate questions to direct to a child. The children in our program learn to say, "Please ask another adult."  Any five-year-old can understand this rule.

Rule #2. "I have to ask my Mom or Dad first."

If any adult wants your child to do something or take something or go anywhere, your child needs some handy responses, such as "No, thank you." or "I don't need that thank you." But there are times when the temptation becomes too much and your child really wants what is offered. If that happens a fast rule in my household is, my child must say, "I have to ask my Mom or Dad first."

When we role play this scenario in our program, we offer the children money, candy, a free bike out of the van, taking pictures under the bleacher and on and on. With every ploy we use to undermine their safety or promise to their parent, the children get louder and louder with each consecutive response, until they are forcefully saying, "NO, I HAVE to ASK my MOM or DAD FIRST."
They understand this concrete role-play. When a stranger won't listen to your child's repeated refusal, they may be trying to trick him or her. Children understand that Mom and Dad are their primary caregivers and must give permission. If a stranger or adult asks your child to do anything, they MUST have your permission first. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Rule #3.  It's sometimes okay to say "No" to an adult. Give them permission to use their voice.

Children get accustomed to authority figures telling them what to do or how to behave. Certain adults in their lives may require strict discipline and attention, or demand obedience and respect. They expect compliance. Children understand that improper behavior will get them in trouble so they sometimes say or do whatever they think will appease an adult. Give permission to your child to say no to an adult. Teach them to use their voice when they feel uncomfortable, to use their voice assertively, and to get help by telling. The voice is a great tool for dealing with strangers.

Third, point out people that your child can trust if he or she gets lost in a store: the cashier, the security guard, a mom with kids. Sounds like another mixed message, doesn't it? You're asking your child to go to strangers for help when they aren't supposed to talk to them. Explain why you choose these specific type of people. What is it about them that makes you feel safer?

Parents must be coaches, helping to make their children more confident in their own abilities to handle certain situations.  Even at the age of five, we can prepare them by giving them tools and ideas that are effective. We must learn to make abstract words and concepts more concrete for children of this or any age. When my son goes out to play, I usually yell out, "Be Stranger Smart!" and he knows exactly what that means.

Ambrose Academy - Stranger Smart© 2003.

Group Safety Tip

(Updated, from a post I wrote to a parent's question on Metro Parent on-line magazine parents tips page in 2009,)

Hugs and Consent - What Girls Need to Know

    

     Today I asked the girls in my class, ages 8-10, if they liked it when other people walked up and hugged them. They all said that they didn't like or were uncomfortable with hugs, unless it was with someone special like a parent or a best friend. 

     We came to the consensus that it was a good idea for others to ask permission before hugging or touching them. "May I give you a hug?" or "Is it okay if I hug you right now?" Asking permission shows respect to them and their need for personal space. 

     We also determined that it was okay to say no to such a request.That saying no was not being disrespectful to others, but being true to how they felt. "Thank you, but I really prefer to shake hands, if you don't mind."

    This idea of asking first is an easy one for young people to understand. It is the start of introducing the concept of consent. 

    Another simple example of unwarranted touching is when adults, teachers, and coaches move children around like pawns on a chess board. To make this concept concrete, I ask one of the girls to come forward. As she stands waiting, I put my hands on her shoulders and move her saying, "I want you to stand here" while I shove her to a new spot. I do this with several of the other girls. "Move here," I say, but then push with my hand on their back, or pull them to guide them into position. 

     "How does that make you feel? Do you like it when an adult just shoves you around into a new spot?" Of course, none of them liked it at all. That feeling of discomfort or indignity of being moved around like an object felt downright disrespectful. And it is.

     Young children should never be forced to hug people, especially when they react adverse to the idea. As my wise 8-10 year old girls informed me, they feel comfortable hugging only the special people in their lives. Let's honor that. 

So we practice a few techniques on how to avoid and graciously decline that unwanted hug. You can too. 

For those young girls and women that are old enough to understand what a creepy hug feels like, here is a link to a great video from the Gracie University on how to avoid creepy hugs, called "6 Creepy Hug Defenses for Every Woman."  Learn them and teach them to your female friends.  

Peace and Stay Safe.

Women's Self Defense - Thirteen to Seventy-One

Photo by Elizabeth Ambrose 2016

Sometimes I love the way the universe works. We have done many seminars in and out of our school with many different women of all backgrounds and lifestyles. Years earlier, at this particular seminar, we had two women that represented different ends of the societal spectrum. 

One was thirteen years old and the other seventy one, three generations apart. 

One was shy with no experience of the world, the other a fiesty fully experienced and self-realized woman of the world.

One knew nothing about the potential dangers that may lie in wait for her, the other knew only too well the many trials and hardships that women of her time and generation have experienced. 

From the outside they would have seemed as different as they could be. 

But they were the exact same height! 

They both came with other women that cared and loved them. 

They also came to learn self-defense!

For one, Mom and her Aunt wanted to protect the youngest woman in their family and help her prepare for the future.

For the other, her curiousity and drive to know self-defense (she had already been mugged twice) came with her daughter.

It was a wonder to behold to watch a shy thirteen year old girl and this fiery great-grandmother working side by side, hitting and kicking the "assailants" in front of them, trying for power and accuracy. 

Christine and Lisa, they made my day. 

However, these two women have something in common that is heart-breaking.  

They represent the victims of choice by assailants known and unknown. They represent the most vulnerable sector in our society. There are creeps out there that want to take advantage of youth and inexperience and of advanced age and frailty. Lisa came because she was mugged twice in three years. Both times she was knocked down and beatened. Christine came because the women in her life wanted her to know how to protect herself. 

Back then, the universe gave me a snapshot of what was possible, of what needed to be done. 

In 2017, women's safety and well-being are still being challenged every day. And the future seems to be darker than ever. As women, we need to look to how we can make self-defense part of our family's life as concrete actions instead of as abstract ideas. The future Christines and the Lisas of the world need our action now.

Christine and Liza represent that you are never too young or too old to learn self-defense. Do it for your girls, your mother, and your grandmothers. Do it now. 

#womensselfdefense, #girlskickingbutt, #nevertooold, #womensafety

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Go HERE to find out about our next women's self defense course in Livonia, Michigan at Ambrose Academy. 

Surprising Way to Help Your Future Wimp

It's Just Your Inner Wimp

Is a Wimp in Your Future?

Moms, do your husbands complain that you're turning their children into wimps. Does he fear that his son or daughter just doesn't have what it takes to make it in the real world? Wimp is a word that can make a grown man scrunch up his nose as though he just got a belly full of buck shot.  Here is a quote by economist, Thomas Sowell:

"If the battle for civilization comes down to the wimps versus the barbarians,the barbarians are going to win."

In most cultures, might makes right. The weak are harassed and exploited. Therefore, you can understand why parents hope their children will be among the strong. No one wants their son or daughter bullied by playground barbarians.

Searching for Confidence

When children are not mentally and physically strong, parents search for ways to help their children cope. Throughout the United States, concerned dads take their somewhat unwilling children to boxing, wrestling, and martial arts programs to find a cure that promises to toughen their children. The hope is that their kids will stand up for themselves and thwart the many bullies they are bound to encounter. Concerned mothers search for a program, therapy being cost prohibited, that can offer the same benefits and nuture her sensitive children in developing positive coping mechanisms and offer guidance in personal growth.

Surprisingly, the martial art program that specializes in life skills training might fit their needs nicely. The martial art culture encourages students to cultivate self-discipline, honor, respect, precision, health, and through the practice of martial arts, personal growth and development that enhances the body and mind connection. Instructors have witnessed transformations after children start training in the martial arts helping them experience true self-esteem and confidence. Many in the martial arts industry recognize the benefits of introducing life skills training to create a well rounded program that help accelerate their student's personal development and growth. Instructors become martial art life coaches.

Maybe Your Child is Just a Kind Person

There are lots of children that are just really nice and kind people. They might be pacifists, deep thinkers, artistic, or dislike conflict. They don't get as much attention as children that are into sports, act up, or are more assertive. If children are shy, introverted, meek, gifted, scared, or overly-sensitive, they avoid interactions with others and seek pursuits that are more introspective. Perhaps interactions in the past were not fruitful, or painful, embarrassing, or sometimes even hostile. Maybe your child has read the book, Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney. Read over 20 millions times, the popularity of this book is a clear indication that millions of children and even some adults around the world perceive themselves as wimpy kids. A quote from musician, Eric Wilson:

"Even a lot of kids who are gifted can be kids who feel like wimps or nerds." 

Therefore, instead of becoming a lifetime buffer between the real world and your child, which in the long term does nothing to help your child's personal growth, just hinder it making the wimp label applicable, find a program that offers life skills and coping tools that help your child navigate the challenges and obstacles found in the "real" world. Children need to establish confidence in themselves, in their parents, and in their abillity to handle interactions with other people.

Martial Arts Life Coach

A major goal of a good program is confidence building. Martial life skills is a program that provides the right environment and nuturing atmosphere that helps children build confidence, giving them the tools and emotional support to face challenges and obstacles that test children every day.

Confidence is the key in helping children navigate, handle, and cope with the stress of engaging and participating in the "real" world. Martial life skills coaches individualize the program for each child taking into account a child's personality, physicality, emotional fortitude, and emotional needs. Children build courage, practice courage, and gain confidence establishing true self-esteem. Here is a quote by writer, Beth Moore.

"Have the courage to live under strain and pain to be part of a better story. A larger story. Don't wimp out."  

What martial arts and life skill coaching offer is a socially controlled environment for your children to interact with other children, a nurturing environment so they can learn to trust themselves and their coaches, and an individualized approach that challenges their abilities, guiding them to confidence and self-esteem.

Parents can keep their fingers crossed and hope their children have a trouble free experience reporting good news at the end of the day. But some parents know that before the day is done, their child may well hear the word wimp. And it breaks their hearts. However, with the right martial arts life skills program in place, a child won't care what others think of him, only what he thinks of himself. He will gain confidence and the the courage to face every day challenges and looks forward to bettering his own story. Best of all, He won't wimp out.

#childrenlifeskills, #wimpykid, #supportingemotionalgrowth, #shykid,

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Women's Self Defense Course February 2013

February 2013, Livonia - Check out the upcoming events page listed above for more information on Saturday, February 16, 2013 Women's Self Defense Class.  Starts at 3:30pm and ends at 5:30pm. Held at Ambrose Academy in Livonia. Wear comfortable clothing.  Bring a friend and you and your friend receive a $5 discount off the price.

I presented a course in July and August for ladies that were going back to college called Campus Safe Walk.  Several women offered these testimonials:

"I'm single so I go out with my girlfriends.  Men seem to think it's okay to grab my arm or hand when I walk by and I have no idea how to disengage them. I'm a small woman and I feel helpless. My two biggest fears are being grabbed from behind, and how to get myself free from an overly aggressive guy at the bar. Now I know how to do both very effectively.  The price of the course was well worth it just to learn how to deal with these two major fears of mine.  I can't thank you enough."  

"I brought my sister and we both loved this course.  We learned so much about what it takes to defend ourselves.  It opened my eyes. I would recommend this course to every woman I know. Let me know when the next class takes place and I'm here."

Here is a link to read more testimonials from women that have taken our course:
http://www.ambroseacademy.com/testimonials-women.php

Coming Home Alone, Useful Tips for Paranoid Women

Below are some useful self-defense tips for those of you that are tentative or fearful about entering your dark house alone at night. 

Some of the tips may seem slightly neurotic and paranoid. But if you were raised with stories of ghosts, goblins, and monsters,it might have taken years for you to enter a dark house all by yourself too. Stories of the boogeyman made going into the basement a terrifying premise. Taking a shower with the shower curtain  open helped alleviate some of the stress. Damn that Alfred Hitchcock. And thanks a lot to my scare inducing family.

But as I got older my fears subsided. Logic tells me there are no goblins or monsters. (Okay maybe zombies.  Even the federal government had a drill for dealing with zombies people.) Experience has given me a sense of routine and security. But occasionally when my inner child's frightening imagination resurfaces, I can scare myself silly. Many a night when I have turned off the last light, I have rushed and dived into my bed to hide under my covers, my husband wondering what the heck just happened.

When I was in my twenties, the biggest fear I had was going into my house at night when no one was home. Here are some steps I would take years ago to ensure my safety. 


Tip 1: Cell phones - A new innovation this millennium for safety. I didn't have one. Cell phones  
          were not as prevalent as they are now.  If you're scared to enter your home, call someone.
          A voice on the other end can be comforting.


Tip 2: Wait for a neighbor to come home. I've sat in my car staring at my house for up to an
          hour waiting for a neighbor to show up or until I could force myself to Get.Out.Of.The.Car.
          (This is an example of letting fear paralyze your body and your mind.)


Tip 3: Look around before you get out of your car. Gather your purse, your briefcase, or
          packages and have them in your hand before you get out of the car. No need to stand outside
          any more time than is necessary. (This is a good idea anytime.)


Tip 4: Hold your keys in between your fingers mimicking tiger claws. But make sure your house
          key is between your thumb and index finger ready to open the front door with lightening
          speed.


Tip 5: Get ready to hit the car's alarm button if you have one, so the uproar will piss off alert your
          neighbors and force them to their windows. Then, you can wave. Make hand gestures
          suggesting you have something to tell them so they continue to stare at you quizzically all the              way to your door.


Tip 6: Stand at your open door for what seems like hours and listen. Listen closely. Then go back to
          your car. (I feel a little foolish to admit that I did this a couple of times.)


Tip 7: Put some lamps on a timer to come on around dusk. That way you never have to enter a
         dark house. If not, run around the house turning all the lights on as makes you comfortable.


Tip 8: If your house hasn't been ransacked, it's a comforting indication that things are just fine.
         Hopefully you can tell if your house has been ransacked or not. Also leave something of
         value, like a twenty dollar bill in a strategic spot. If it's still there, its a good omen.


Tip 9: After turning on the lights, go directly to your kitchen and grab a scary weapon, a butcher
         knife. (You're probably thinking, "Whoa girl, get a grip!" I know this sounds extreme, but I was            scared.)


Tip 10: Account for all the butcher knives.


Tip 11: Check that the doors you locked when you left are still locked. For me it was the basement
            door. Our home was built in the 30's so the six basement windows were huge and hinged.
            It was easy access to get inside, so I needed the basement door locked at all times. Replace
             basement windows with glass blocks. Huzzah!


Tip 12: Check out the other rooms in your house, turn on the lights, listen, check for open
            windows, look under beds, open and inspect every closet. Leave the light on when you leave               each room.


Tip 13: With all the talk these days about carrying concealed weapons, you already might be
            packing heat. But for those of you that find that too distasteful, then carry a big stick,
            your pepper spray or trusty butcher knife and follow procedure.


Tip 14: Now that you've checked everything, you feel much safer now. Turn off some of those
            lights and save on electricity. Return the knife to the kitchen, or your gun to its holster, or
            put back the big stick you keep by the door. You're hungry. Make something good to eat.


Tip 15: Take self defense classes. More than once, better take at least three. You might feel a little
            more confident about leaving your car, traveling to your door and inspecting the inside.

This was my routine when I first moved away from home. When I got married my anxiety subsided a bit, but my husband was a professional musician working evenings, so my fear of coming home to a dark house continued for years. I was a big, fat, scared-y cat and I was ashamed. But then one day it all changed. The fear dropped away and was replaced with strength and purpose. Someone asked me what had changed. You might not be ready for Tip 15 yet, but one day you will. 

Tip 16: I became a mother. My whole paradigm shifted. I showed no fear to my child because I
           didn't want to transfer that negative energy. Instead of fearful, I was just cautious. My
           protective instincts kicked in and my thoughts were all about the well-being of my child,
           physically and mentally. Nothing was going to get between me and my baby.

In an instant I was no longer the scared-y cat wimpy little girl, 

but a powerful lioness.

Since becoming a lioness, my fears have abated greatly. I'm still a very cautious woman, but I no longer fear the unknown. I have become more resilient, more knowledgeable and much wiser. My dark house no longer scares me.  I realized that my thoughts were keeping me in the dark and that old dark house is really my warm little home.