Early Childhood - Stranger Safety for Five Year Olds

When your child is a vivacious, warm child that loves people, and I mean all people, she wants to talk and hug everyone she meets. I had such a child. By the age of five, my son had an extensive vocabulary. He learned that he loved conversations with adults, so he would stop to talk to any adult that was within hearing distance.

One mother with a five-year-old girl had the same problem and asked,

"How do you teach a very outgoing five-year-old about stranger danger without scaring her? How can I teach her that's it not okay to talk and hug everyone she meets?"

Many parents have the same question. The safety of their child is paramount, but at the same time, parents don't want to squelch their child's natural personality, especially when the child displays great love and kindness toward others. Another issue is a child's ability to understand what the parent really wants. We are about to introduce some difficult abstract ideas to a five-year-old.

Here's a few facts about childhood development that I think is important for you to know first. 
Children in early childhood, ages three through five, are pre-operational thinkers. They don't have the ability yet for mental logical operations, meaning they really don't understand how things work. This can lead to some faulty reasoning. They are highly literal which means they can't infer your meaning. Their brains are tethered to the concrete world. So remember to make those abstract ideas into concrete examples to help them grasp and understand.

Let's discuss what your child has learned and noticed so far.

Adults give conflicting messages. Parents don't realize that we give children conflicting ideas when dealing with strangers.  Although children are told not to talk to strangers, they witness their parents talking to strangers all the time. We say hello to people we pass in the street while strolling. We have conversations with strangers while waiting in lines at the grocery or clothing store. When someone says how cute our child is, we sometimes turn to our child and ask, "Can you say hello to the nice lady?"

What should give you some comfort is that children this age are practically always at their parent's side. That's why you notice how often your child interacts with other people. Your presence is an anchor, a secure base in which your child can venture out and try out his new found social skills. So you need to prepare your children for the times when you are not with them.

I told my conversation loving five-year-old, that whenever he gets into a conversation, to come and tell me about it. One day we went to the bookstore. While he was sitting on the floor looking through a book, I heard him tell a young couple shopping in the children's section, "I have to go tell my mom about our great conversation. Stay here, I'll be right back."

In our program, Stranger Smart©, we developed a set of clear rules for children to follow when dealing with strangers. We give them the concrete tools to deal with strangers and help them recognize potentially dangerous situations and how to avoid them. Using what we know about early childhood development allows us to present a program that helps children retain this vital information.  Five years old is a good age to begin this type of program.

Here are a few concepts presented in the program.

First, you must define who is a stranger to your child. 
When I told my son he couldn't speak to strangers, he kept assuring me he wouldn't. Then a few months later, he asked, "Mommy, what's a stranger?" It blew me away! I never defined the word. It was an abstract concept. He understood that he wasn't suppose to TALK to someone. So he latched onto the only concrete thing he could understand, not to talk. How was he supposed to know what a stranger was? And even if I could explain it to him, I talked to strangers all the time?  It showed me how much I assumed. I broke my own rule, give children in early childhood, concrete examples.

(Remember, under certain circumstances if you and your children have had limited interactions with neighbors or acquaintances, they can be named a "stranger" too.)

Second, define what is acceptable adult behavior.  Just like children, adults have rules they should have to follow. Children can understand this concrete concept of following the rules.  Knowing that adults have rules too allows children to hold adults accountable. We offer three rules.

Rule #1.  Adults needing help MUST ask other adults.

This is a concrete concept to children.  They understand that an adult asking for "real" help will get the best help from another adult. Adults asking for directions, or looking for a park, or searching for a dog, or looking for a neighbor is not appropriate questions to direct to a child. The children in our program learn to say, "Please ask another adult."  Any five-year-old can understand this rule.

Rule #2. "I have to ask my Mom or Dad first."

If any adult wants your child to do something or take something or go anywhere, your child needs some handy responses, such as "No, thank you." or "I don't need that thank you." But there are times when the temptation becomes too much and your child really wants what is offered. If that happens a fast rule in my household is, my child must say, "I have to ask my Mom or Dad first."

When we role play this scenario in our program, we offer the children money, candy, a free bike out of the van, taking pictures under the bleacher and on and on. With every ploy we use to undermine their safety or promise to their parent, the children get louder and louder with each consecutive response, until they are forcefully saying, "NO, I HAVE to ASK my MOM or DAD FIRST."
They understand this concrete role-play. When a stranger won't listen to your child's repeated refusal, they may be trying to trick him or her. Children understand that Mom and Dad are their primary caregivers and must give permission. If a stranger or adult asks your child to do anything, they MUST have your permission first. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Rule #3.  It's sometimes okay to say "No" to an adult. Give them permission to use their voice.

Children get accustomed to authority figures telling them what to do or how to behave. Certain adults in their lives may require strict discipline and attention, or demand obedience and respect. They expect compliance. Children understand that improper behavior will get them in trouble so they sometimes say or do whatever they think will appease an adult. Give permission to your child to say no to an adult. Teach them to use their voice when they feel uncomfortable, to use their voice assertively, and to get help by telling. The voice is a great tool for dealing with strangers.

Third, point out people that your child can trust if he or she gets lost in a store: the cashier, the security guard, a mom with kids. Sounds like another mixed message, doesn't it? You're asking your child to go to strangers for help when they aren't supposed to talk to them. Explain why you choose these specific type of people. What is it about them that makes you feel safer?

Parents must be coaches, helping to make their children more confident in their own abilities to handle certain situations.  Even at the age of five, we can prepare them by giving them tools and ideas that are effective. We must learn to make abstract words and concepts more concrete for children of this or any age. When my son goes out to play, I usually yell out, "Be Stranger Smart!" and he knows exactly what that means.

Ambrose Academy - Stranger Smart© 2003.

Group Safety Tip

(Updated, from a post I wrote to a parent's question on Metro Parent on-line magazine parents tips page in 2009,)

Hugs and Consent - What Girls Need to Know

    

     Today I asked the girls in my class, ages 8-10, if they liked it when other people walked up and hugged them. They all said that they didn't like or were uncomfortable with hugs, unless it was with someone special like a parent or a best friend. 

     We came to the consensus that it was a good idea for others to ask permission before hugging or touching them. "May I give you a hug?" or "Is it okay if I hug you right now?" Asking permission shows respect to them and their need for personal space. 

     We also determined that it was okay to say no to such a request.That saying no was not being disrespectful to others, but being true to how they felt. "Thank you, but I really prefer to shake hands, if you don't mind."

    This idea of asking first is an easy one for young people to understand. It is the start of introducing the concept of consent. 

    Another simple example of unwarranted touching is when adults, teachers, and coaches move children around like pawns on a chess board. To make this concept concrete, I ask one of the girls to come forward. As she stands waiting, I put my hands on her shoulders and move her saying, "I want you to stand here" while I shove her to a new spot. I do this with several of the other girls. "Move here," I say, but then push with my hand on their back, or pull them to guide them into position. 

     "How does that make you feel? Do you like it when an adult just shoves you around into a new spot?" Of course, none of them liked it at all. That feeling of discomfort or indignity of being moved around like an object felt downright disrespectful. And it is.

     Young children should never be forced to hug people, especially when they react adverse to the idea. As my wise 8-10 year old girls informed me, they feel comfortable hugging only the special people in their lives. Let's honor that. 

So we practice a few techniques on how to avoid and graciously decline that unwanted hug. You can too. 

For those young girls and women that are old enough to understand what a creepy hug feels like, here is a link to a great video from the Gracie University on how to avoid creepy hugs, called "6 Creepy Hug Defenses for Every Woman."  Learn them and teach them to your female friends.  

Peace and Stay Safe.

Surprising Way to Help Your Future Wimp

It's Just Your Inner Wimp

Is a Wimp in Your Future?

Moms, do your husbands complain that you're turning their children into wimps. Does he fear that his son or daughter just doesn't have what it takes to make it in the real world? Wimp is a word that can make a grown man scrunch up his nose as though he just got a belly full of buck shot.  Here is a quote by economist, Thomas Sowell:

"If the battle for civilization comes down to the wimps versus the barbarians,the barbarians are going to win."

In most cultures, might makes right. The weak are harassed and exploited. Therefore, you can understand why parents hope their children will be among the strong. No one wants their son or daughter bullied by playground barbarians.

Searching for Confidence

When children are not mentally and physically strong, parents search for ways to help their children cope. Throughout the United States, concerned dads take their somewhat unwilling children to boxing, wrestling, and martial arts programs to find a cure that promises to toughen their children. The hope is that their kids will stand up for themselves and thwart the many bullies they are bound to encounter. Concerned mothers search for a program, therapy being cost prohibited, that can offer the same benefits and nuture her sensitive children in developing positive coping mechanisms and offer guidance in personal growth.

Surprisingly, the martial art program that specializes in life skills training might fit their needs nicely. The martial art culture encourages students to cultivate self-discipline, honor, respect, precision, health, and through the practice of martial arts, personal growth and development that enhances the body and mind connection. Instructors have witnessed transformations after children start training in the martial arts helping them experience true self-esteem and confidence. Many in the martial arts industry recognize the benefits of introducing life skills training to create a well rounded program that help accelerate their student's personal development and growth. Instructors become martial art life coaches.

Maybe Your Child is Just a Kind Person

There are lots of children that are just really nice and kind people. They might be pacifists, deep thinkers, artistic, or dislike conflict. They don't get as much attention as children that are into sports, act up, or are more assertive. If children are shy, introverted, meek, gifted, scared, or overly-sensitive, they avoid interactions with others and seek pursuits that are more introspective. Perhaps interactions in the past were not fruitful, or painful, embarrassing, or sometimes even hostile. Maybe your child has read the book, Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney. Read over 20 millions times, the popularity of this book is a clear indication that millions of children and even some adults around the world perceive themselves as wimpy kids. A quote from musician, Eric Wilson:

"Even a lot of kids who are gifted can be kids who feel like wimps or nerds." 

Therefore, instead of becoming a lifetime buffer between the real world and your child, which in the long term does nothing to help your child's personal growth, just hinder it making the wimp label applicable, find a program that offers life skills and coping tools that help your child navigate the challenges and obstacles found in the "real" world. Children need to establish confidence in themselves, in their parents, and in their abillity to handle interactions with other people.

Martial Arts Life Coach

A major goal of a good program is confidence building. Martial life skills is a program that provides the right environment and nuturing atmosphere that helps children build confidence, giving them the tools and emotional support to face challenges and obstacles that test children every day.

Confidence is the key in helping children navigate, handle, and cope with the stress of engaging and participating in the "real" world. Martial life skills coaches individualize the program for each child taking into account a child's personality, physicality, emotional fortitude, and emotional needs. Children build courage, practice courage, and gain confidence establishing true self-esteem. Here is a quote by writer, Beth Moore.

"Have the courage to live under strain and pain to be part of a better story. A larger story. Don't wimp out."  

What martial arts and life skill coaching offer is a socially controlled environment for your children to interact with other children, a nurturing environment so they can learn to trust themselves and their coaches, and an individualized approach that challenges their abilities, guiding them to confidence and self-esteem.

Parents can keep their fingers crossed and hope their children have a trouble free experience reporting good news at the end of the day. But some parents know that before the day is done, their child may well hear the word wimp. And it breaks their hearts. However, with the right martial arts life skills program in place, a child won't care what others think of him, only what he thinks of himself. He will gain confidence and the the courage to face every day challenges and looks forward to bettering his own story. Best of all, He won't wimp out.

#childrenlifeskills, #wimpykid, #supportingemotionalgrowth, #shykid,

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